Partying Russian Style

I know I said Saturday for a post. But. Clearly. THINGS.

Things like discovering that Biathalon is THE BEST SPORT EVER and that I am completely and utterly in awe of the people that do it. I'm actually surprised the Norwegian army hasn't taken over the entire world considering the fact that if you can do the Biathalon, you can pretty much do anything. For real, you guys, we should all be speaking Norwegian right now.

Things like realising that no matter how hard core and Yankee I think I am getting, I can be shamed into a fetal ball of Paris Hilton fluffiness by the mere sight of the Norwegian women cross country skiiers. They. Are. So. Amazing. And. I. Am. A. Giant. Marshmallow.

Things like explaining the scoring system for the Team Figure Skating competition to Mum for probably longer than I should admit to in a public forum, and when she finally got it, and said "Sorry, I bet your dinner is cold now do you want to heat it up" responding oh-so-maturely "ARE YOU KIDDING ME IT'S TIME FOR BREAKFAST ALREADY."

Things like watching dear Vladimir creepily congratulate the Russian figure skaters wearing a lecherous red parka, and hoping that all of them survive to the end of the games.

HOWEVER.

There are updates to be shared of a culinary nature. And I may not be able to shoot an air rifle from a prone and/or standing position, but I CAN load pictures. So there.

OLYMPICS PARTY POST-PARTY SLIDESHOW AND DISCUSSION POINTS

menu

Black Bread

Blue Cheese and Fig Jam Thumbprints

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Rosemary Roasted Potatoes

Onion and Mushroom Pie with Mustard Crust

Vegetarian Swedish Meatballs with

Cranberry and Red Cabbage Slaw

Whole Wheat Penne with Kale, Olives, and Goat Cheese

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Buttermilk Olympics Cake w Vanilla Buttercream

small beetle note: I tried to be good about taking photos, but it got a little nuts just as everyone was arriving and I might have missed a few presentation / table placement shots. I'M SORRY. For the record, if I'm not taking pictures, nobody is. I can't give the task to Mum because she still looks through the manual viewfinder like it's an old Nikon and still hits the shutter with enough force to smack the frame out of focus.

TBH, I think the cat could do it better, perhaps next time I will ask her.

MOVING ON

BLACK BREAD

BEETLE NOTES: Ain't nuthin' wrong with this one. Tried and tested, hands down the best black bread recipe I own. The original calls for 2 cups of grated carrot, but I've found better consistency with a can of pumpkin puree mixed with half a cup of either oatbran or wheatgerm, to make up for the texture. The bread is dense, rich, and sweet without being dessert-y sweet. Sweet in that "good bread" sense of the word if that makes sense.

As you can see, I made one loaf long and skinny, baguette like, for party purposes, and served it with butter.

And if the bread is good, butter really is all you need.

That's gotta be a proverb somewhere in the world.

BLUE CHEESE AND FIG THUMBPRINTS

BEETLE NOTES AND PHOTOGRAPHIC APOLOGIES: I made these at Thanksgiving and they went down a treat. Olympics party proved no exception. I don't have any pictures of them wearing their oven-warmed jam hats, but if you click through to the Thanksgiving post you can see them there. Anyway, they're easy, tasty, a nice departure from classic party nibbles, and a Mum favourite. Win win and win.

Oh also. The good thing about these is that if you ARE serving them for a party, you can make them a few days ahead of time and keep them in Tupperware, then do the whole jam / oven thing a few minutes before guest arrival. So they free up cooking time in the days leading up. I mean, if you are the kind of person who makes colour-coded cooking calendars and shopping lists. I find it helpful.

ROSEMARY ROASTED POTATOES

BEETLE NOTES: I mean. Yeah.

MUSHROOM AND ONION PIE WITH MUSTARD CRUST

This is a Nigella recipe. As such, it's warming, delicious, and you want to eat ALL of it in one sitting. She's good like that. The original called for only onions, but I had mushrooms kicking around, and I felt like it couldn't hurt.

You cook the onions (and mushrooms if you've got 'em) in butter for about 20 minutes until everything is gorgeous and brown and soft, then dump them in the bottom of a pie plate.

The crust is a scone dough of parmesan cheese and mustard, and you squish it down on top of the onion mixture before baking. (and obviously you add more cheese before because why wouldn't you see below)

And when it comes out it's all brown and yummy and bubbly.

The scary part is inverting it out onto a serving dish. Not the actual inversion, that part is actually really fun. No, the scary part is feeling it slide ooooohhhhh soooo sllooowwwwllllyyyyy out onto the serving platter and praying to the god you really don't think has ANY control over ANYTHING that it won't just disintegrate and cover your counter with onions and mushrooms and butter and cheese and mustard. 

 But you know what? IT WORKED.

Final Beetle Note: BOOYAH.

SWEDISH MEATBALLS CRANBERRY AND RED CABBAGE SLAW

1. Vegetarian Swedish Meatballs are REALLY YUMMY.
2. Yes, it is possible to have a vegetarian meatball.
3. No, a vegetarian meatball is not an oxymoron.
4. Yes, I am tired of explaining this to people. IT'S NOT AN OXYMORON IT'S A SIGN OF THE TIMES. GET ON THE SOY PROTEIN TRAIN ALREADY IT'S A DELICIOUS TRAIN AND IT'S LEAVING THE STATION.
5. I don't have good photos of these. It was too dark by the time I finished frying them. And then I ate them all. Sorry.

On the other hand . . .

Newly discovered favourite cooking vegetable.

This started because the last three times I've made veggie meatballs I've served them with cranberry sauce (as is appropriate in Scandinavia and should be everywhere, really). However, once Thanksgiving is over, if you live in rural Massachusetts, unless you have direct access to a cranberry bog, fresh cranberries are not going to happen. BELIEVE ME. I'VE TRIED. 

So I needed a cranberry-ish thing that would be tart and sweet and warm and a good accompaniment. And Deb Henry came through (for reals. Roast Figs Sugar Snow is my new fav cookbook of the moment) with this glorious thing. I don't know if it's a relish or a slaw or a compote or something else. But it made its debut in the top 10 of the "to be made again ASAP when we don't have guests so I can eat it all myself" list so there you have it.

Basically you cook onions and red cabbage in butter, add dried cranberries, balsamic vinegar, and allspice, and let the whole thing simmer on the back burner for about half an hour until it's soft and tart and glorious.

I also added apple cider, incidentally. It seemed appropriate. For serving, I put the cabbage in a big round platter and piled the meatballs on top of it. I SWEAR I took a picture but apparently my camera ate them all too.

WHOLE WHEAT PENNE WITH KALE, OLIVES, AND GOAT CHEESE

So I needed something green. With a carb base. That wasn't "northern hemisphere cooking" based. And everyone loves kale. AM I RIGHT, HIPSTERS OF THE WORLD?

I cooked the kale in olive oil and lemon juice, then added the goat cheese and olives and let it get all melty and gooey. 

It was a good balance to the very earthy and brown rest of the dishes, but still hearty and warming and filling.

And, as Mum says, very good for breakfast.

But where are my manners, dear reader? WHERE ARE THEY?

WHAT ABOUT THE CAKE?

oh yes.

After semi-party-demolition and the partial-eating of SOCHI.

You can sort of see the Olympic rings I did in icing. Or tried to do. "Tried" being the operative word.

This cake. THIS CAKE. Again, Nigella is to thank. This is her Buttermilk Layer Cake recipe, and I gotta say it's the Buttermilk that makes all the difference (which should also be a proverb somewhere).

I already showed you how fluffy these things were out of the oven. 

I think it was a combination of Buttermilk and the fact that I let the mixer go on high for a long, long, long time before I poured the batter out. But whatever the deciding factor, the fluff factor on this cake is astronomical. It rises insanely high, yet stays incredibly dense at the same time.

And a thick layer of Vanilla Buttercream doesn't hurt the situation, either.

Or two thick layers for that matter.

The two layers rose high enough they actually spilled over the edges of the baking pans. Which made frosting slightly more difficult (though still really, really, really fun). And the double layer cake is . . . just . . . A MONSTER. A DELICIOUS, BLUE AND WHITE, SUGAR-LETTERED-OLYMPIC-RINGED-MONSTER.

So, dear reader, the party was delightful. Lots of food, lots of yelling Putin-based insults at the screen, lots of laughter and happy times.

And I can now spend the next four days eating leftovers and watching Norwegians on skis with air rifles on their backs plan world domination.

I for one will gladly surrender.

Cooking for Vladimir

So. Olympics.

As I was saying to a friend of mine yesterday, I am conflicted about Sochi. On the one hand, I genuinely love a good Olympics. I love the cheese, the celebrations, the watching people do things that I will never in a million years be able to do. I love the uniforms and the sparkles. I love the fact that they are ALWAYS ON TELEVISION so that no matter what I am doing I can tune in and watch people do insane things.

On the other hand, this Olympics is THE WORST. Or, more specifically, Vladimir Putin is the worst. I mean Bond villain worst. Except that the Bond villain always gets his comeuppance in the end, and no matter how many things he blows up or how many people he kills, you can kind of shrug it off because you know it's not real. But in Putin's case, not only is it INCREDIBLY REAL AND HARMING ACTUAL PEOPLE AND THINGS, there is no evidence to state that he is anywhere NEAR getting his comeuppance any time soon.

There's been a lot of talk about corruption, gay rights, and general arresting and murdering of pretty much anyone Putin or his friends feel like. What's significant is that this is STATUS QUO for Russia, it's just that because everyone is paying attention all of a sudden things are getting vaguely reported (except for local news which insists on covering the persimmons you can get in the Sochi farmers market I am not making that up). And because of the scale of the Olympics, the scale of the corruption is proportionally much larger and more public.

The Anti-Corruption Foundation has put up a website in conjunction with the investigation done by Alexey Navalny into who contracted and subcontracted what, and just how much natural environment has and is going to be destroyed. FOR REAL GO AND LOOK. THE LINK IS HERE. And also check out the breakdown that BuzzFeed did into some of the most blatant. They're not even TRYING to hide it anymore, they're just openly and happily making themselves richer at the expense of everyone and everything because nobody is around to stop them. And if they are, they end up beaten, dead, or in a gulag, a la Pussy Riot. Or Alexey Navalny himself. 

Basically, all roads don't just lead to Sochi, all roads lead to Putin. 

That being said. I am going to watch the Olympics. But I am going to watch with a HUGE grain of salt. I am going to watch cynically, at times sadly, and as pragmatically as possible. Will I enjoy it? Absolutely. But I will try to keep all the above in mind, and hope very much that maybe, maybe, the iota of attention that the global media is all of a sudden paying to Putin and his cronies has some positive impact on the lives of Russian citizens. We can hope, dear reader, we can hope. 

BUT IN THE MEANTIME. 

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO DURING THE OLYMPICS

• Watching Vladimir Putin naked horseback ride through the stadium during the Opening Ceremonies
• Cheering for Finland for a change because they are woefully underrepresented in summer sports but when it comes time for anything on skis, anything on a sled, or anything that involves freezing your bum off in a lycra bodysuit emblazoned with the ol' white and blue, they are all LET'S GO. 
• NB: They still almost never win anything, but it's the seeing them and cheering that counts
• Watching Vladimir Putin naked-wrestle a polar bear during the Opening Ceremonies
• Watching Meryl Davis and Charlie White KICK EVERYONE ELSE'S BACKSIDES during the Ice Dancing. 
• Just watching Meryl Davis and Charlie White PERIOD because holy god they are awesome and pretty and I love their sparkly outfits and precise and fluid choreography.
• Watching Vladimir Putin naked-hunt a reindeer with a crossbow during the Opening Ceremonies.
• Ski jumping, Cross Country Skiing, Nordic Combined, the amazingly insane Biathalon (thank you, Norwegian military!), the aforementioned Ice Dancing, and Freestyle Skiing.
• Watching Vladimir Putin do a naked Skeleton run during the Opening Ceremonies 

No full post this week because I am OLYMPIC PARTY PREPPING.

Incidentally, with a Forever Lazy on and bright orange washing-up gloves, I look like a North Korean nuclear inspector. OH WAIT EXCEPT THEY DON'T HAVE THOSE BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO NUCLEAR WEAPONS HOW SILLY OF ME.

Sorry, sorry. ON TO THE FOOD. SUCH AS IT STANDS.

As Grace Kelly would say in Rear Window:

Preview of Coming Attractions . . . 

BLUE CHEESE CRACKERS (FIG JAM TO BE ADDED JUST BEFORE SERVING, OBVI)

BLACK BREAD 

Because it wouldn't be RUSSIA without black bread would it? 

BUTTERMILK LAYER CAKE (frosting TBD, along with LOTS OF DECORATIONS including sugar letters, frosting, and sparkles JUST WAIT YOU GUYS JUST WAIT)

And, of course

ROSEMARY ROASTED POTATOES

Because if I have to watch dear Vladimir do even ONE of the aforementioned things during Opening Ceremonies (and you know it's going to happen) I better be getting potatoes out of the deal.

So, dear reader. COOKING CONTINUES. There will be Buttercream Frosting, Onion Pie, Meatballs, and Cranberry Relish. Probably a full post on Saturday, if I can tear myself away from Ice Dancing and Cross Country Skiing.

Incidentally, I am now dating THE ENTIRE Finnish hockey team. Just for the record. My boyfriend Chris Hemsworth understands, he's cool like that.

UNTIL THEN, DEAR READER, UNTIL THEN. 

Beetle Newtons

THE OLD SCHOOL BAKING KICK CONTINUES

After the Beetle-O's of two weeks ago, I'm trying to think of what else I ate in potentially lethal amounts as a kid that I could reimagine as a relatively less-unhealthy, mature, poised, adult baked good.

Problem is that I wasn't allowed that much junk food. Or, any, really. I was the kid who had Soy Milk juiceboxes. I was the kid who had organic crunchy peanut butter on crusty french bread. I was the kid who begged for Fruit Rollups because all the cool kids would punch out and share the little shapey things (remember those?), and you were only cool if you could trade shapey things with the other cool kids at your lunch table (though let's face it, I definitely wasn't sitting at the cool kids lunch table). I begged for them. I got Fruit Leathers instead. Organic, leathery, ugly, definitely not capable of holding shapes of skateboarders or Snoopy or whatever it was at the time. Nobody wanted to trade with me. I ate them alone.

Once there was a school bake sale and you were supposed to bring money in and buy cookies for a quarter or whatever, and Mum gave me money folded in a napkin in my lunchbox (I DID have a Batman lunchbox, that was her nod to popular culture. Barbie = The Devil. Batman = Cool.) Except when I opened it I realised it was British money because she'd grabbed it from the wrong change jar and instead of quarters and dimes I had pounds and a 50 pence piece. And they wouldn't take it at the bake sale. I think eventually someone gave me a pity cookie after everything else had been sold.

Really, it's remarkable I survived past the sixth grade.

ANYWAY. Fig Newtons are definitely on the "comfort food from Beetle's childhood" list. And Mum likes Figs. So. Long story short.

BEETLE NEWTONS

I found this one on the webs after a surprisingly exhaustive search. For real, I expected the internet to be a FONT of Fig Newton recipes. I figured the mommy blogs would have completely cornered the Newton market. You know: whole grain, gluten free, nut free, dairy free, sugar/preservative/animal byproduct/you-name-it free, fair trade figs, locally grown in your rooftop garden figs, fig alternatives because DID YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS FIGS CAN BE FOR A DEVELOPING CHILD'S BRAIN??? etc etc etc. But google turned up more Date-Newtons than Fig, and even Martha Stewart didn't have one, which seemed like it would be straight up her alley. I eventually found this one at food52.com and it seemed relatively healthy and normal and devised by someone who wanted something tasty and fig based but who still had one food firmly planted in culinary reality.

BEETLE NEWTONS

INGREDIENTS
(I doubled the below and came up with about 40 Newtons)

• 1 1/2cup whole wheat flour
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 10 tbs (1 1/4 sticks) butter, softened
• 2/3 cups brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• Zest of one orange (or 1 tsp orange extract, which I used) 
• 1 pound dried figs, cut into small pieces
• 1/2 cup water

Beat the butter and brown sugar together in a mixmaster until fluffy. Add the eggs, vanilla, and orange zest/extract and beat on high a few minutes more. Combine the flour, baking powder, and salt together in a small bowl, and slowly add to the batter.

Put the chopped figs and water in a saucepan and bring it to a boil, stirring frequently, until the water is absorbed and the figs are very soft. Transfer to a food processor and (god, it's LOUD) pulse until you have a really thick, figgy paste. 

Pre insanely loud food processor. (for real, the cats HATE ME RIGHT NOW.)

The aforementioned "thick, figgy paste."

Divide the dough into 4 sections. Rolling out one at a time, shape each section into a rectangle about 4 inches wide by 12 inches long. Try to keep the edges as squared off as possible, smoosh it around with your fingers if you have to.

Using two spoons (or whatever makes your life easiest) spread 1/4 of the fig filling down the length of the rectangle, leaving a small margin of dough clear.

This is so that when you fold the dough over to pinch it you can pinch dough-on-dough. (see pictures)

At the end, you'll have a log of uncut Newtons with sort of a teardrop shape.

Like so. 

Transfer the log to a baking sheet. Repeat with the rest of the dough and the filling.

Bake the logs at 325 degrees for 15 minutes, give or take, until the edge of the end pieces are starting to go brown. When you take them out, slice them whilst they are still warm on the baking sheet. 

AND NOW FOR THE RANDOM PART OF THE DIRECTIONS. Immediately put the sliced Newtons into large Ziploc freezer bags, seal them, and let the bags rest and cool on wire racks. This, apparently, is so that the dough does not dry out as they cool. Let them cool completely before removing. 

I swear, this looks like something out of a crime show.
Or maybe that's just me and my TV habits.
I can't see anything through plastic without thinking of meat lockers and corpses . . . ?

NB: they are doing this as I type. I may have ruined them all. However, the reviews of the recipe seemed positive and not in any way to indicate that this was a really bad idea. For once in my life, I followed the instructions. We'll see. 

BEETLE NOTES

I have notes. I HAVE NOTES, YOU GUYS.

1. The whole "steaming" thing did not seem to have any adverse effects. So. That happened.

Stealth Raisins.
Also the name of a future cat.

2. These should be called "Fig and Raisin Newtons" because I only had 1/2 a pound of Figs I KNOW WHAT KIND OF A HUMAN BEING AM I THAT I ONLY HAVE 1/2 A POUND OF DRIED FIGS IN MY PANTRY ON A DAILY BASIS and so I made up the difference with raisins. I could have used dates, but in my brain raisins are closer to figs, so I went with those.

3. The biscuit dough has issues. It rolls and folds over fig paste and cuts like a DREAM but there are issues nonetheless. Taste issues. Specifically, a lack thereof. According to Mum, my long suffering taster, the dough is pretty firmly on the "bland" side of the field. I would very much like to make these again because they are easy and oh-so-pretty to look at it, but it's going to require some fiddling first.

There are 4 tsp of vanilla extract and 2 tsp of orange extract in there already. Maybe Cinnamon? Nutmeg? Ginger? Lemon or Almond extract? I don't think adding more sugar to the dough is the answer, making it sweeter won't solve the issue. But they definitely need "something" more. So. I will turn it over to the LL's for their input and take it back to the pastry board (ha! I'm funny) for deliberation.

In the meantime, to offset the blah, I've dusted them with powdered sugar. I think that everything, really, should be dusted with powdered sugar. It's pretty, it's fun to do, and I've yet to encounter a situation where a liberal sprinkling did NOT enhance the taste. So I thought maybe until I figure out the answer to the above dough question, it would serve as a stopgap.

A sugary, snowy stopgap.

There are worse things, I suppose.