It was, to use a cat graphic (because if you can why not?):
So, as a good Girlfriend-of-a-Norse-God, I thought it would be a nice gesture if I made cookies to celebrate the occasion.
But these couldn't just be ANY cookies.
These cookies had to say "I'm the Norse God of Thunder but I'm also incredibly sensitive and caring, with great hair and a great smile. I like long walks along the balconies of Valhalla and spending time with my family and friends. I may be a bit headstrong at times, more prone to a hammer slam than rational discourse, but I'm loyal and true, and I always keep my promises. Oh and did I mention that I can bring lightning down from the sky? Because I can. And also I like pancakes."
These cookies had to be:
a) masculine. incredibly masculine
b) gooey and soft on the inside
c) capable of stopping your heart
d) make you feel like all was right in the world and that you would be safe forever
e) so delicious and amazing that all you really want to do is eat them for the rest of time
THOR COOKIES
(because nobody gets to be the Norse God of Thunder by eating Snickerdoodles)
THOR COOKIES
- 10 oz good quality unsweetened chocolate
- 1/4 cup butter
- 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/4 tsp baking powder
- 1/4 tsp salt
- 2 eggs
- 1 1/3 cups sugar
- 1 1/2 tsp instant espresso powder
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 1/2 whole coffee beans
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| You know what this is? It's a HELL of a lot of chocolate. |
Chop the remaining 4 oz of chocolate (yes, the unsweetened chocolate) into chunks the size of big chocolate chips. You'll add these at the end with the coffee beans.
In a small bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, and salt.
In a mixmaster, beat the eggs and sugar until they are light and fluffy. Beat in the espresso powder and the vanilla. Beat the whole mixture on high for about 5 minutes until the batter is really thick. Slowly beat in the flour mixture.
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| The contrast between white sugar/egg and the coffee is just . . . so pretty. |
Fold in the chocolate chunks and the coffee beans and combine well. The batter will be essentially black at this point.
Bake at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes. You will take them out when they are still gooey. They are supposed to be gooey, it's ok. I was worried they were still underdone but it's all good.
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| It's allllll good. |
BEETLE NOTES
I doubled the recipe from the outset, because 10 oz of chocolate and 1/3 cup of flour was NOT going to make "about two dozen cookies", at least not in my kitchen. And I made a few changes, biggest of which was the omission of sea salt flakes on the top and the addition of whole coffee beans.
Because nothing says "masculine cookie" like "coffee beans instead of chocolate chips."
A note on the chocolate chips. IT REALLY IS UNSWEETENED CHOCOLATE. I know. I read the recipe over three times to make sure I wasn't doing something dreadful, but it's true. Unsweetened chocolate chips. Add coffee beans to that and you've got a cookie that sort of is the equivalent of getting hit in the chest by a magical hammer.
We don't have instant espresso powder (because we don't believe in instant coffee of any kind) so instead I used the coarse-ground dark roast we make French Presses of every morning, and I used double the measurement just to make sure they were good and caffeinated.
Therefore, I quadrupled the coffee measurement.
The original recipe also indicated to chill for an hour or freeze for half an hour. I chilled them for an hour. This was not helpful. Instead of making the dough easier to work with, what it did was make it impossible to scoop out rounded spoonfuls. Even using an ice cream scoop, the dough balls were misshapen and awkward [see below]. Some, as a matter of fact, did not even resemble cookies. More just oddly shaped rocks. I mean, delicious oddly shaped rocks of chocolate coffee gooey goodness, but still. Rocks.
Now, there is an argument to be made here that the uglier the cookies, the more masculine they are. Men do not bother with petty things like the aesthetic value of their baked goods. They just eat them, regardless of shape or content. Part of me feels that they fact that they DO actually look like rocks, yet pack in a gooey black-chocolate centre the heart-stopping power of Asgard, makes them ideally suited to their purpose as Thor Cookies. So there.
Still, next time I will move directly from the mixmaster to the cookie sheet, and perhaps get them slightly more uniform.
One male friend of mine suggested, in making the "perfect masculine cookie", that I eschew the word "cookie" completely and instead refer to them as "Power Biscuits." So I suppose that instead of "Thor Cookies" I should say "Power Biscuits" or . . . ooooh how about "Thunder Biscuits?" Maybe? Eh. I'll figure it out.
What I DO know is that Mum declared these in the Top 5 Best Cookies Ever Made By Beetle, and that the Lovely Librarians agreed.
These "cookies" fulfilled every single one of the aforementioned criteria. They are DARK (literally and figuratively) and deep and dense, yet when you bite into them you get a mouthful of gooey chocolate wonderfulness. They have chips of unsweetened chocolate and whole coffee beans that will, actually probably technically, stop your heart (but hey at least you'll die happy). And when you bite into one your brain goes into happy mocha overload land where everything is amazing and all you hear is the contented humming of your taste buds and, possibly, the actual vibration of your heart valves.
Masculine? Check. Delicious? Check. Packs a handsome, soul-warming punch? Check and check. Thor Cookies, Power Biscuits, whatever they end up being called, I will have lots of opportunities to get the name right. For Mum, for the LLs, and, obvs, for my boyfriend too.
Because nothing says "masculine cookie" like "coffee beans instead of chocolate chips."
 |
| REAL men (and Norse Gods) scoff at normal chocolate chips. AS IF. |
A note on the chocolate chips. IT REALLY IS UNSWEETENED CHOCOLATE. I know. I read the recipe over three times to make sure I wasn't doing something dreadful, but it's true. Unsweetened chocolate chips. Add coffee beans to that and you've got a cookie that sort of is the equivalent of getting hit in the chest by a magical hammer.
We don't have instant espresso powder (because we don't believe in instant coffee of any kind) so instead I used the coarse-ground dark roast we make French Presses of every morning, and I used double the measurement just to make sure they were good and caffeinated.
Therefore, I quadrupled the coffee measurement.
 |
| Exactly. |
The original recipe also indicated to chill for an hour or freeze for half an hour. I chilled them for an hour. This was not helpful. Instead of making the dough easier to work with, what it did was make it impossible to scoop out rounded spoonfuls. Even using an ice cream scoop, the dough balls were misshapen and awkward [see below]. Some, as a matter of fact, did not even resemble cookies. More just oddly shaped rocks. I mean, delicious oddly shaped rocks of chocolate coffee gooey goodness, but still. Rocks.
 |
| Rocks. |
Now, there is an argument to be made here that the uglier the cookies, the more masculine they are. Men do not bother with petty things like the aesthetic value of their baked goods. They just eat them, regardless of shape or content. Part of me feels that they fact that they DO actually look like rocks, yet pack in a gooey black-chocolate centre the heart-stopping power of Asgard, makes them ideally suited to their purpose as Thor Cookies. So there.
Still, next time I will move directly from the mixmaster to the cookie sheet, and perhaps get them slightly more uniform.
One male friend of mine suggested, in making the "perfect masculine cookie", that I eschew the word "cookie" completely and instead refer to them as "Power Biscuits." So I suppose that instead of "Thor Cookies" I should say "Power Biscuits" or . . . ooooh how about "Thunder Biscuits?" Maybe? Eh. I'll figure it out.
 |
| Hammer Slams? |
What I DO know is that Mum declared these in the Top 5 Best Cookies Ever Made By Beetle, and that the Lovely Librarians agreed.
These "cookies" fulfilled every single one of the aforementioned criteria. They are DARK (literally and figuratively) and deep and dense, yet when you bite into them you get a mouthful of gooey chocolate wonderfulness. They have chips of unsweetened chocolate and whole coffee beans that will, actually probably technically, stop your heart (but hey at least you'll die happy). And when you bite into one your brain goes into happy mocha overload land where everything is amazing and all you hear is the contented humming of your taste buds and, possibly, the actual vibration of your heart valves.
 |
| And speaking of vibrating heart valves . . . |
Masculine? Check. Delicious? Check. Packs a handsome, soul-warming punch? Check and check. Thor Cookies, Power Biscuits, whatever they end up being called, I will have lots of opportunities to get the name right. For Mum, for the LLs, and, obvs, for my boyfriend too.
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