"May Day Emergency Cake" or "Why I Now Flinch at the Smell of Coffee Extract"

I had plans, dear reader, for a May Day cake of delightful and epic culinary proportions. It was going to be SO good. SO inventive. SO delicious. I had even picked out the descriptive phrase for it. I was going to call it "like a spiced cafe latte, but in cake form."

What I had NOT planned on calling it was "I guess I'll just throw it away." 

This "Spiced Cafe Latte Cake" met its tragic end on Wednesday night, never to return to this world. It was totally my fault. I took an idea from Country Living UK and transferred it to a recipe from Beatrice's Scandinavian Feasts, doing my usual takeouts, add ins, and yeah-I'm-sure-that-will-work's. 

IN MY DEFENSE

The Country Living recipe was a "Coffee, Cardamom, and Banana Cake with Coffee Icing." I felt that I could take that idea and make it, how shall I put this delicately, not contain banana because really why God why. I was also completely mystified by the inclusion of raisins because, how shall I put this delicately, why in God's name would you combine coffee and raisins I know it appears to be a common thing but honestly to me it's beyond delusional and a waste of raisins and/or coffee. 

Therefore, I decided, happy thus far in Beetle land, to remake the Cardamom Cream Cake (Beatrice's) that I'd made (to great success) last May Day, which a) contained no banana and b) contained no raisins and c) included not only cardamom but CREAM which is always a nice addition. But (and here's where it went lopsided) I would take the coffee idea from Country Living and add THAT to the Cardamom Cream Cake and cover it in coffee icing. 

FOR REAL, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG WITH THAT? COFFEE. CARDAMOM. CREAM. COFFEE ICING. LOTS OF ALL FOUR. SPICED CAFE LATTE CAKE SHOULD BE A THING BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE ABSOLUTELY FREAKING DELICIOUS. 

Well. Tell that to the entire cake that it now sitting in a ziploc freezer bag (so the raccoons won't smell it and rip into the trash, of course) in a large Hefty Pail in the barn. 

What happened? What made this cake completely incapable of crossing the boundary between theory and reality? I'm gonna go with the coffee extract. 

IN MY DEFENSE AGAIN. The coffee extract was TOTALLY called for in the Country Living UK recipe. So when I thought "hmm, Cardamom Cream Cake with coffee extract added to it" I was not without warrant. There was totally a precedent. And, really, it seems like it would work. I've had such good luck with extracts that it never occurred to me as I happily splashed it in that I was, in fact, ruining a perfectly good cake. Or destroying a perfectly good icing. 

The verdict was delivered over the kitchen sink Wednesday night: It smelled. And apparently tasted. Like burning. Caustic. Sulfurous. Hellmouth-ish. The icing in particular. It was compared to industrial waste.

Thank god we still had Lemon Curd Thumbprints in the cookie tin because after Mum spat out the piece she tried she needed something to counteract the impression that she was dying of a full body hemorrhage. 

IF. And this is a big IF. IF I ever attempt to make this again (I revert to my original plea that theoretically this should be delicious) I will try using freshly brewed coffee instead. I'm placing full blame on the extract, because I can't imagine where else that chemical burn would come from. I was just surprised at the extent of the failure. 

Also, if we notice really hyper raccoons over the course of the next few days, I'll know the ziploc trick didn't work. 

HOWEVER. 

It was still the night before May Day. And I was bereft of cake. WHAT TO DO? 

Once again, I thank the heavens for Nigella Lawson. Because only she could give me a cake not only possible to make after the gym but before coffee but also possible to make out of what's in your baking cupboard without a second thought. Further, a cake that would be yummy and indulgent and please the LL's on May Day and not make them think they were dying. 

And I've made the executive decision that as far as I'm concerned there is NOTHING WRONG with celebrating spring and rebirth and flowers and buds and sunshine and warm weather by eating dark, dark, DARK bittersweet chocolate cake still gooey from the oven and drenched in vanilla icing. So there. 

LOOKS LIKE SPRING TO ME.

CHOCOLATE MAY DAY CAKE

aka

EMERGENCY CAKE BECAUSE I THREW AWAY THE LAST ONE BECAUSE IT SMELLED LIKE A CHEMICAL PLANT AND MADE US WANT TO DIE

As I said, this is the "Dense Chocolate Loaf Cake" from Nigella's Domestic Goddess cookbook. 

I give you the melted glory of an entire bar of Bittersweet Chocolate. 

Only the smell of THIS baking in the oven could completely eradicate the hellish stench of coffee extract.

Which I swear to God is going to make me wince for YEARS. 

I'm not kidding I kept smelling it yesterday long after I'd scrubbed the kitchen clean and it was AWFUL.

Under ideal (aka non emergency cake) circumstances, this would sit overnight and get cool and solidify somewhat. Nigella even indicates that. Technically speaking you are supposed to give it time to "rest" before tucking in. But I was working under a pretty specific deadline (try "we have to leave in 20 minutes") and needed to get this May Day show on the road, overly gooey or not. 

I made the icing SUPER thick for minimal drippage down the sides, which makes eating easier.

Slicing the cake, I had to keep wiping off the knife, because, well, it redefined "squidgy."

One thing I hadn't anticipated was the icing fusing with the still-warm top.

It formed a kind of "Wonder Crust of Awesome"

Which is also totally the name of a future cat. 

So even though I spent most of yesterday deliberately sniffing perfumes and room-fresheners and candles and generally trying to pretend the whole Coffee Extract Fiasco (hereafter to be known as CEF) never happened, at least I can rest in the knowledge that my Lovely Librarians were a) not killed and/or disgusted and b) did not have to go through a May Day without a treat. 

Because when you wake for the gym at 4am, and you yell RABBIT RABBIT across the hall, and then you realise that what you're hearing is NOT the cat at the door but TORRENTIAL RAIN ON THE ROOF, and then you realise that it's May 1st and what you are hearing is FREEZING DOWNPOUR RAIN and that THOSE ICY THINGS UNDER THE COVERS ARE ACTUALLY YOUR OWN FEET, what you need, and really, what the whole world probably needs, is chocolate cake. 

Happy May, dear reader! Here's to a spring and summer of baking and sunshine and gainful employment.