Consolation Muffins

I clench my jaw. I don't know if you guys know that about me, but I do. It's not something I'm particularly proud of. As a matter of fact, it's kind of gross. I remember when my dentist was in my mouth last year and asked perfectly conversationally "do you clench your jaw or grind your teeth at all?" and I remember responding along the lines as if he'd just asked me if I ate puppies for breakfast. I was all EW NO OF COURSE NOT ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE DO THAT AND I AM CLEARLY NOT CRAZY. Then I spent the next three days conscious of it, and slowly and horrifically it dawned on me that not only do I do both, I do both a lot. And the worst part is, I do them in my sleep. Which means, a) omg I really am crazy and b) short of not sleeping, how the hell am I supposed to stop? I sleep like a dead person, you guys. Literally. I sleep on my back with my hands folded on my chest and my feet in first position. I don't move. Not all night long. According to Mum I also appear not to be breathing. BUT APPARENTLY, UNBEKNOWNST TO US ALL, MY JAW NEVER SLEEPS.

This is how I sleep. This is Henry VII, incidentally. 

Feel free to close this window now and never read my blog again. I would understand.

Point of this being that the jaw clenching thing happens when I'm stressed out. As I'm sure you can imagine, when I was packing up my life of eight years, moving back to Massachusetts, and jettisoning a fairly successful career in publishing to start at the bottom of an only-semi-related-and-completely-unknown totem pole, I became a jaw clenching machine. I would wake up and have to take painkillers due to eight solid hours of clench. I had to get a bite guard (located, fyi, in the "massive loser" section of Duane Reade). I began inspecting my face in the mirror every night before bed to see if my cheeks were getting fatter due to increased muscle mass.

Point of THIS being that I clench my jaw when I'm stressed. Point of THAT being that the "paper incident" as it is now known and shall be known in infamy forever more caused culinary guilt of epic jaw-clenching proportions. I'm actually wearing my bite guard as I type this. [Beetle says silent prayer for non-web-cam-blogging.] Clearly, action had to be taken.

AND SO. LOVELY LIBRARIANS. I PRESENT TO YOU. CONSOLATION MUFFINS.

I INVENTED THESE JUST FOR YOU.

CONSOLATION MUFFINS aka 
OAT BRAN MUFFINS WITH DAMSON PLUM CENTRES 
aka PLEASE LOVE THEM BECAUSE MY JAW IS KILLING ME MUFFINS

Seriously this is what happens when I feel guilty. I INVENT MUFFINS. 

OAT BRAN MUFFINS WITH DAMSON PLUM CENTRES

INGREDIENTS 

This is the colour of my bedroom floor.
I just wanted to point that out. 

• 2 cups all-purpose flour, 2 cups whole wheat flour
• 1 1/2 cups oat bran
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 4 tsp baking powder
• 1 1/2  tsp baking soda
• 2 tsp salt
• Heaping 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• 2 cups low fat yoghurt
• 2/3 cup mild honey
• 2 sticks unsalted butter
• 4 large eggs
• Roughly half a jar of Damson Plum Jam (figure 1 tsp of jam for each muffin) 

Whisk together flour, oat bran, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon in a large bowl.

In a a mixmaster, combine yoghurt, honey, butter, and eggs. Add flour combination one cup at a time, blending well after each one. 

Line a muffin tin with paper cups. (YOU CAN USE NONSTICK HERE IT'S OK YOU GUYS) 

Spoon a heaping tablespoon of batter into the bottom of each one, leaving a well in the centre. Put a teaspoon of jam into each one, then another heaping tablespoon of batter on top, smoothing it over so the jam is completely covered. 

Sprinkle the tops with a little bit of oat bran before you put them in the oven. Nobody likes a naked muffin.

 

Nobody.

Bake at 375 for about 20 minutes, until the tops are nice and browned. Turn out onto a rack to cool. Some of the muffins might split their tops and the jam show through. I had absolutely no aesthetic problem with that, and I doubt you will either. 

Do YOU have a problem with this? No. I didn't think so. 

BEETLE NOTES

HOLY HELL THESE ARE AMAZING. 

I just . . . needed that to be the first note. THESE ARE INCREDIBLE AND I AM A GENIUS. I CAN'T FEEL MY JAW ANYMORE. BUT I'M A GENIUS. 

For this, I squished together a basic oat bran muffin recipe and a jam muffin recipe from BBC Good Food. I wanted a muffin recipe. I didn't want oat bran raisin. Nor did I want Oat Bran spice. I didn't want a cupcake. I didn't want something that called for mashed banana because for the next 6 months I will have a Pavlovian response to mashed banana in baked goods that will make me weep copiously every time I see it called for. 

So what's a Beetle to do? MAKE IT UP. 

I'm expecting a call from the Nobel Committee any day now. 

I used half white flour and half whole wheat because, what with the oat bran addition, I didn't want them to be too dense or too dry. I am sure that you could use brown sugar, or take out the sugar completely and add either more honey, agave, or maple syrup. And obviously the jammy centre is a complete (and delightful) free for all. I fail to see how ANY jam used could be anything less than delicious. I encourage experimentation. But, I must advise, try these puppies first. YOU WILL BE SO GLAD YOU DID. 

I picked Mum up from work yesterday and brought one of these with me. A WARM ONE. I almost circled the block a few times because you guys THE CAR SMELLED SO GOOD I DIDN'T WANT TO STOP DRIVING. It was honey and jam and oats and baked perfection and everything that is safe and right in the world. I was trying to explain the goodness of the smell to my bestie via text message and what we came up with is the olfactory equivalent of Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Robert Downey, Jr., and George Clooney combined into one amazing man. THAT'S HOW GOOD THEY SMELL. 

Incidentally, that comparison made my boyfriend Chris Hemsworth kind of sad. 

But I reminded him that no muffins, not even Oat Bran Muffins with Damson Plum Centres could have a smell equivalent to his wonderfulness and he understood. He's very mature about these things, my boyfriend Chris Hemsworth. And then I gave him a muffin and he felt better. 

And so. These are hearty, nutty, deeply-flavoured muffins. You can actually smell the honey in them, that mellow sweet smell that's so much better than plain sugar. They are crunchy on top and just the right amount of squishy underneath. AND they have THE GREATEST SURPRISE EVER on the inside. Because what's the only way to make an oat-bran-honey-infused muffin taste better? GIVE IT A MOLTEN PLUM JAM MIDDLE THAT'S HOW.

Observe.

SEE WHAT I MEAN? MOLTEN JAMMY CENTRE FOR THE WIN.

Beetle side note: Molten Jammy Centre has been added to list of names of future cats. Right underneath Gluten Free Sparkle Cupcake.

The best was watching Mum take a bite, not get the jammy centre, and go WOW THESE ARE AMAZING and then taking another bite and getting the jammy centre and just . . .  ROUND EYES, SLACK JAW, OMG OMG OMG WHAT ARE THESE HOLY SH*T THESE ARE AMAZING HOW MANY DID YOU MAKE.

I made enough for YOU, Lovely Librarians. I made enough FOR YOU.