When Cheesecake Just Isn't Enough

I bought blueberries this weekend. I had every intention of making Blueberry Cheesecake Bars. I had even gone as far as to find, mentally smash together, and print out two recipes, and then buy things specifically for Blueberry Cheesecake Bars at the grocery store on Friday. Things which included a large (ok, industrial) amount of blueberries. But then two things happened:

1. This is the weather radar for yesterday afternoon. See that bright red bit in the middle? That is basically our house.

There was also this beauty. Do you see all that silvery stuff? THAT'S LIGHTNING.

There was a TORNADO WARNING yesterday. Now, in Massachusetts, we know Nor'easters, snowstorms, etc. We know how to fit snowpants over a Forever Lazy, how to melt ice on the front steps with boiling water and cover it with trash bags, and how to clear storm drains with a broom handle hanging out the upstairs powder room window. What we don't know necessarily, is Tornadoes. As you may imagine, the meteorologists were apoplectic with excitement. They were all up in our business with flashy bolt-of-lightning graphics, hand drawn circles that indicated EXACTLY where you would DIE INSTANTLY should you happen to be there at that moment, and (to the second) how long you had to make it to shelter before being swept out to sea / caught in a tornado and never heard from again / burnt to death. THEY BROKE INTO FAMILY FEUD, YOU GUYS. THAT'S SOME SERIOUS REPORTING. I watched with amusement from my Stairmaster, significantly (and daringly) away from a storm shelter, using an electronic device, and in a room that was below ground level. I lived to tell the tale to you now.

2. Um. WHAT THE HELL? THOR IS A WOMAN?

Now, don't get me wrong. I am TOTALLY in favour of female superheroes, equality between the sexes, blah blah blah, but . . .

FOR REAL???????????????

Marvel says it is to "broaden the appeal of the comic book character." I hate to burst their bubble and sound like an anti-feminist, but removing my boyfriend Chris Hemsworth from the Thor equation seems like the WORST POSSIBLE WAY to go about that. Anything that has "less of my boyfriend Chris Hemsworth" becomes, through sheer laws of physics and science and nature that cannot be broken, "less appealing." End of story.

There's no reason for this to be here. I just felt like google-imaging and adding it. You're welcome.

So.

After dealing with Tornadoes, imminent death by lightning, and having to console a frankly completely disconsolate my boyfriend Chris Hemsworth, I realised that the Blueberry Cheesecake I had planned was probably not going to fill the emotional needs of either me, Mum, or my Lovely Librarians this week. Cheesecake is all well and good, but when you have 24 hours that are that upsetting on a psychological level, cheesecake just feels . . . insubstantial. This called for comfort food of the highest and most comforting order. And it also called for comfort food that included blueberries because I genuinely did buy a ridiculous amount I'm not making that up.

Don Quixote is responsible for the quote "all sorrows are less with bread." This is not only brilliant but completely true. Thus, Blueberry Oatmeal Bread.

BLUEBERRY OATMEAL BREAD OF COMFORT AND STORM SURVIVAL

I literally googled "Blueberry Oatmeal Bread" and came up with a nice looking recipe, which I then of course doubled and changed based on what I had on hand.

BLUEBERRY OATMEAL BREAD, BEETLE VERSION 

INGREDIENTS

• 2 cups blueberries
• 4 cups plus 2 tbs whole wheat flour
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 4 tsp baking powder
• 2 tsp salt
• 2 cups sour cream 
• 4 eggs
• 2 sticks butter at room temperature
• 2 tsp vanilla
• 1 cup rolled or steel cut oats

In a small bowl, toss blueberries with 2 tbs of flour. This gives them a bit of traction in the batter and keeps them from all sinking to the bottom of the pans whilst baking. In another bowl whisk together flour, baking powder, salt, and oats. 

In a mixmaster, combine butter, sugar, sour cream, eggs, and vanilla extract. Add the flour mixture a bit at a time, beating well after each addition. The batter will be pretty sticky. 

Stir in the blueberries. Don't worry if they get smashed or crushed as you stir them in because they're going to explode and be all gooey and wonderful in the oven anyway so it really doesn't matter. Maybe this is only a thing that bothered ME for years. I noted it because I care. 

Scrape the batter into two greased 9 x 5 inch loaf pans and bake at 375 degrees for 55-60 minutes. The tester should come out clean but remember when you stick it in that if you hit a hot mushy blueberry they're going to be that hot for a while, so go by the "bread" part rather than the "berry." 

It is true that the smell of ANYTHING containing oats baking in the oven instantly restores your zen. In my case, this is admittedly a shred of a particle of an atom of a tiny amount of zen, but it still stands. 

Baking Oats = Everything is going to be all right. 

BEETLE NOTES AND HILLBILLY SUBSTITUTIONS

The original recipe called for Greek yoghurt, which we didn't have (which we never have because Mum prefers old school dairy yoghurt and I can't eat it regardless) and so I used the fat-free sour cream that was GOING to be in the cheescake. It came just shy of two cups, and so I added a few extra tablespoons of buttermilk to round it out. 

I used whole wheat flour because I knew that oats and blueberries could hold their own in it, and I wanted it to have a distinctly "wholesome" flavour. 

I used steel cut oats instead of rolled because . . . Surprise! We had no rolled oats! But it worked. A bit crunchier perhaps where rolled would have been chewier, but I'm a big fan of baking with steel cut, I think the resulting texture is always interesting and is perhaps more nutty than you might otherwise get. It's easy to justify the choice when that's all you've got.

From what I could tell in the turning out, slicing, and wrapping up process, this came out nicely. It's moist, dense, not too sweet (I only 1.5-ed the sugar instead of doubled) and I imagine would be good as is or toasted. As breakfast on the morning after surviving a TORNADO WATCH I think it would be delightful. Ditto afternoon tea holed up in your storm bunker waiting out the apocalypse. I'm hoping that my boyfriend Chris Hemsworth can stop crying long enough to try some, I think it will help. 

Mum tried it this morning and gave it the thumbs up. Our handyman got half a loaf this afternoon and, via voicemail, gave it the thumbs up. It's been delivered to the LL's a whole day early (sorry if this throws anyone for a loop) because tomorrow we are going to MAINE and yes I'm doing a happy MAINE DANCE as I type this. Lobster! Pine trees! Hiking with the REAL Uncle Thor! Loons! Wearing even more sweaters than normal! Did I mention lobster! 

Also, it must be said, I am going to BLUEBERRY LAND so the ones I will be baking with upon my return will be half the size of these, with twice the flavour. Perhaps it's good in the end that the cheesecake got postponed. The only question is will they make the trip down in the car, or will I eat them all between Acadia and Ashby? 

Now THAT, dear reader, is a question for the ages.