And you know what a Tea Party means.
That's right, boys and girls.
AWESOME BAKING FUN.
Side, literary note. I am aware that many of you will have Tea Party associations with Alice in Wonderland. For my sake, even if it's a silent association in your own head, please refrain. The reason? I kind of hate that book. Actually, I don't kind of hate it. I properly hate it. I read it, you guys, I can say with authority that I read it and I despised it from start to finish. And I didn't even BOTHER with the movie because a.) It looked absolutely terrifying and b.) If I hated the book that much, why the hell would I bother with the Disney cartoon. And yes, all, I am aware that Tim Burton made another version a few years ago. [I refer you to point A.] Why would I be terrified by this book and/or movie you ask?
Well.
It probably goes back to "lack of control over situations" being the scariest thing I can think of (apart from snakes) but books and/or films that are psychedelic in nature, where reality is distorted, and where things "aren't as they should be" freak me out good and proper. So, Beetle, [you say] why do you like horrific dystopian fantasy so much then, hmm? Well, dear reader, to that I respond I like highly structured horrific dystopian fantasy. As long as it makes temporal, spacial and physical sense, bring it on. But you show me another flamingo playing croquet or that fat ugly Red Queen and I am out of there so fast you won't even notice me leaving.
Films I hate based on the above criteria:
Vertigo (so many fights with my film professor in college)
Alice in Wonderland
Pretty much almost all things by Tim Burton especially including Nightmare Before Christmas [which I TOTALLY thought was going to be cute and funny and holiday-spirit-y but OMG IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF MOVIE AT ALL]
Pretty much anything by Walt Disney especially the early trippy stuff [I'm looking at YOU, Sorcerer's Apprentice with Mickey Mouse about which I still have nightmares.]
All the creepy scenes in The Big Lebowski with giant bowling balls [even though I consider that one of the greatest films ever made, can of course recite it verbatim, and once met Jeff Bridges wearing a tee-shirt that said "The Dude is My Boyfriend."]
BUT
The scariest movie of all time, not even the Tim Burton remake but the original is, HANDS DOWN WINNER, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.
You think I'm making this up for comic relief? You try showing me a picture of an oompa loompa. Watch me dissolve into an hysterical mess on the floor, then come wake me up when I have screaming nightmares for the next two weeks. Ask ANYONE who knows me. Scares me to DEATH AND BACK.
It was at a birthday party in first grade, the first time I saw it. Came home totally traumatised and stayed traumatised for quite some time. Few months later, my teacher announces that for a "treat" we're all going to get to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! Now. I was 4 at that point. (I started a year early.) But 4 or not, I put my tiny Warrior Beetle foot DOWN. I told her I hated it and I wouldn't watch. She couldn't coax me otherwise. Not even with pizza and cupcakes. I flatly refused. Calmly, mind you, but very, very firmly.
Eventually, she gave up and let me sit in the hallway with a stack of picture books whilst my classmates stuffed themselves full of pizza and watched Gene Wilder sing his way through his freaktastical candy house of horrors. (Because that's what it is, you guys, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.)
Later that night she called Mum and explained the situation, figuring Mum might be confused as to why I didn't want to watch a delightful children's film. This is how it went.
Mum: Yeah. She hates it. I hate it too, actually, it's a really creepy movie.
So the end of that insanely long digression is that I don't like Alice in Wonderland and please refrain from openly thinking about it when I mention the phrase Tea Party.
OK BACK TO THE HAPPY TEA PARTY BAKE FEST.
I bought a new cookbook a few weeks ago called Country Baking by Ken Haedrich (Bantam, 1990). It's awesome. It's pretty much exactly in line with my ideal cooking style: hearty New England farmhouse fare. This is his. It's the recipe I opened the book to in the store, closed it, and brought it to the register. That's how awesome I knew the rest of the book was going to be. And that's the first Tea Party recipe.
BLUE CHEESE CORNMEAL BISCUITS
Can I just say first that the house last night smelled like these and OH MY STARS AND GARTERS it was heavenly.
INGREDIENTS- 1 2/3 cup unbleached flour
- 1/3 cup yellow cornmeal
- 1 tbs baking powder
- 1/2 tsp salt
- pinch of cayenne pepper
- 3 tbs cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/4-inch pieces
- 1/2 crumbled blue cheese
- scant 2/3 cup milk
In large mixing bowl, stir together the flour, cornmeal, baking powder, salt, and cayenne pepper. Add the butter and blue cheese and cut them into the flour until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs; only little pieces of blue cheese and butter should be visible.
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| Cutting in cold butter always makes me nervous. I always think it's just going to lump together and I'll end up with hunks of cold butter. But this went pretty well. |
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| Crumbled blue cheese. Same trepidation as butter, above. Same decent results despite fear. |
Make a well in the dry ingredients, add the milk, and stir until the mixture coheres as a firm, dampish mass. Knead the dough once or twice with floured hands, then roll or pat it into a thickness of 3/4 inch on a floured surface. Cut the biscuits and place them on a prepared baking sheet (I used parchment paper, you can oil if you like). Bake at 425 degrees for about 12 minutes, until browned and crusty.
BEETLE NOTES
First I must say that these went down like a house. on. FIRE last night so the recipe is golden. Go make it. Right now. I'm actually thinking that these would be good using other kinds of cheese too, as long as you kept the texture right. I mean, what about Camembert cornmeal biscuits? Or Brie cornmeal biscuits? Hell, we know cheddar biscuits are a thing. What's stopping us, world? What's stopping us??
I knew it was going to be awesome. So much so that I doubled the recipe right off the bat. And it gave me about 25 biscuits. Which, for a tea party, means enough for all your guests plus leftovers, which is what you go for. The worst thing in the world when entertaining is not having enough food. (THE HORROR)
I used whole wheat flour because I wanted to give them that little extra depth, and I didn't use the cayenne pepper because cayenne pepper scares me a little bit and I don't know I panicked. Other than that, followed to the letter and it's a beauty. They are cute, easy once you do the whole square biscuit thing, and interesting. I separated a few that Mum could eat and put the rest in a secret place so that tomorrow when I reach in to put them on a serving plate I don't get a handful of crumbs and an apologetic "oh, I thought there were more in there."
Haedrich includes a note on biscuit cutting at the end of this recipe, which basically says that another way of getting biscuits cut out is to shape the dough into a square or rectangle and cut them that way, like you would a pan of brownies. This a.) prevents the dough from being overworked and means you don't always have scraps at the end and b.) means you don't have to roll it out at all, which saves time, space, and obsessively cleaning flour from various parts of your counter tops afterwards. So, additional points awarded to Mr. Haedrich. I foresee a long and fruitful friendship between us.
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| The dough before patting. In the described "firm, dampish mass." Major extra points for use of the word "dampish." |
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| Dough patted into a rough square shape on the baking sheet. |
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| Dough cut into rectangles and spaced a bit to prevent them from baking together. All in all, SUPER easy. |
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| Pre-baked biscuit squares. Note the visible cornmeal and chunks of blue cheese. That's my baby. |
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| And post-baking. Same colour, just all yummy and risen and warm. Best bit is that those chunks of blue cheese you saw above? Yeah, melted and gooey. Yep. |
So, dear reader, that's Part 1 of Tea Party Baking Awesomeness. Coming hopefully tomorrow are Carrot Ginger Cake and Drop Sponges.
Oooo how very British we are being today, drop sponges, my word. I'll be humming God Save the Queen in a little bit.
Mind you, I did sing Jerusalem whilst I dropped the sponge batter. It seemed the appropriate thing to do.
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