Cold Weather Emergency Brownies*

*name TBD

So. It's really cold. I know we had that whole Polar Vortex of Death thing last week, but honestly I wasn't that impressed (even though Channel 7 STORM FORCE COVERAGE was incessant and thorough, complete with bar graphs, gifs, and poor weathermen [excuse me, "meteorologists"] who'd drawn the short straw huddled in front of the camera in a down parka and yelling into their microphones: "Yes. I can report that it's COLD."). Yeah, it was freezing, but after all the hype and the stupid youtube trend of people throwing hot water into the air and more often than not burning themselves, it really just seemed like a lot of unnecessary fuss.

This week, after the storm-that-wasn't, the temperature isn't anywhere near PV category, but for some reason it feels worse. Perhaps it is the lack of snow that has the pretty-factor to detract from bone-chilling temperatures? Perhaps I have mysteriously gotten less hardy and Yankee-y in the last 14 days? Perhaps it is, as the, ahem, meteorologists, are so fond of saying, due to the wind chill? My grandfather thought wind chill was the biggest crock ever. Every time the news mentioned freezing weather he would drop whatever he was doing, turn to the television, and yell "OH. PLEASE. TELL US WHAT THE WIND CHILL IS. I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR WHAT THE WIND CHILL IS. HEY, EVERYONE COME GATHER ROUND WE'RE GETTING A WIND CHILL UPDATE." (etc. etc. etc.)

Well, Gramps, I love you, but I gotta say:

Wind Chill is real. And it HURTS.

It hurts just LISTENING to the wind. Honestly, yesterday I was sitting in my fleece and Forever Lazy, on a heating pad, with a blanket and a cat wrapped around me, and I swear I got a chill just from the noise outside. It's terrifying.

Driving from the gym this morning I was rendered completely deaf by the presence of not one but TWO hoods pulled over my head, which, incidentally, also reduces your peripheral vision to that of a myopic shrew. You actually have to turn your ENTIRE body to see and/or hear and wearing a seat belt that's kind of impossible. Mum asked me the same question four times, but I couldn't turn far enough in the passenger seat to look at her and after the fifth "What?" shouted at the dashboard straight ahead of me she gave up in disgust. (I think it was something about the Geneva 2 talks, but honestly it could have been that we need to buy kitty litter, I have no idea.)

DON'T WORRY, DUDE. YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
JUST HAVE A BITE OF BROWNIE AND
 LET'S GET THE HELL OFF THIS MOUNTAIN.

I don't know what to call these yet. On the one hand, I'd like to call them "Dinosaur Brownies" or "T-Rex Brownies" because they are what I imagine dinosaurs or T-Rexes would eat were such a thing hypothetically and temporally possible. They're stuffed with nuts and unsweetened chips and therefore giant mouthfuls of crunchy, chewy, fudge. You know, the brownies they would eat to finish off a light supper of Triceratops.

On the other hand, seeing as how a large impetus behind baking them was an excuse to turn the oven on for a bit, and seeing as how, were you rendered immobile by the wind chill, this is what I think the EMT's would bring you along with your shiny aluminum blanket. Or, you know, the St. Bernard dog would have these in that little barrel around his neck instead of brandy. So there's a part of me that wants to call them "Emergency Brownies", or "Rescue Brownies" or something silly like that.


I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS. I NEED HELP WITH THIS, CLEARLY.

Regardless.

COLD WEATHER EMERGENCY T-REX DINOSAUR RESCUE BROWNIES

These are my basic go-to brownie recipe enhanced with things I consider to be essential to sustaining life and/or will to live in sub arctic temperatures. And when I want a basic go-to brownie, to whom do I turn? Why Nigella Lawson of course. I've yet to find a gooier, fudgier, more decadent one, and until I do, this is my default. The below is with the additions I made yesterday and according adjustments. But the basic recipe is that of the Domestic Goddess herself.

INGREDIENTS

• 1 2/3 cups soft unsalted butter
• 13 ounces bittersweet chocolate (or, if you are my pantry, 12 oz bittersweet and 1 oz semisweet) 
• 6 eggs
• 1 tbs vanilla extract
• 1 2/3 cups sugar
• scant 1 1/2 cups flour
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 1/2 cups mixed nuts (I did walnuts, peanuts, almonds, hazelnuts, cashews)
• 4 oz roughly chopped unsweetened chocolate

Melt the butter and bittersweet chocolate together in a large bowl (microwaves make everything easier here, plus the heating happens evenly, plus the bowl is easier to clean than a saucepan), stirring until everything is just melted and nice and combined. It should look really satiny and have a nice reflection.

You know when this is the beginning of your recipe that it's going to be a good day.

Beat the eggs and sugar together in a mixmaster until fluffy. Measure out the flour and salt in a separate bowl.

When the chocolate mixture isn't crazy hot anymore, beat it into the egg/sugar mixture, then the flour mixture. I ended up using probably 1 1/4 cup flour because I was going nut and chocolate chip heavy and I didn't want to make them too chewy.

After first flour addition.

And, slightly paler, after second.

Stir in the nuts, followed by the unsweetened chips. Mix until everything is evenly distributed. This is the part where if you have someone in the kitchen with you they get to lick the spatula and love you forever.

Butter a rectangular tin (brownie or similar) and pour the batter in. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes until they are dark at the edges but still bubbly in the centre. A toothpick stuck into the middle should just come out clean because you want these to be squishy and glorious. Let them cool in the pan before slicing and packaging up for the LL's in your life.

BEETLE NOTES

So far, the reports from the LL's have been favourable. I have yet to get the full debrief from them so I'll let you know. Mum said they were good but since she's not a massive chocolate/brownie person her opinion is naturally going to be fairly blasé and completely unhelpful. ("Mum, "they're fine" is a spectacularly useless response." "Well, ok then, they're good! I don't know. Stop harassing me you make me nervous.")

The batter was essentially chocolate mousse, much thicker than normal, which, considering I cut back on the flour makes no sense, and I'm trying to think why. Maybe it was the heating of the chocolate, maybe I did it better this time so it was creamier? Or maybe the eggs were smaller? Huh. The below is what the pan looked like before I had to physically spread it out with a spatula. 

Huh. Mystery. 

The unsweetened chips were an idea I stole from the Dark Chocolate Espresso Cookies I made a while ago. I wanted to give these a little bit of a bite, and I couldn't think of a better way to do it. The nuts were because I felt like if you were going to eat a brownie right now, you'd probably want it to be packed full of crunchy-slightly-salty bits that would balance out the pitch-dark-chocolateness. Also, nuts make you live longer. So really, I'm just helping everyone here.

One delicious handful at a time.

I baked them in a slightly larger brownie tin than normal, which means they are slightly thinner than they would be. But, given the wallop they pack, it's probably not a bad thing. 

Slightly thinner. No less decadent.

From what I could tell slicing and packing, these are definitely high on the fudge scale. They cut like a dream, without being too crumbly or flaky. The tops of them have those gorgeous little bubbles that only appear when what is just below the surface is squishy and gooey and oh-so-good.

Bubbles of awesome.

I did get to stand next to the oven for a while, which made my life considerably better. And then I did end up disinfecting the microwave. Which led to a reorganisation of the silverware drawers, the knife drawer, the kitchen tool drawer, and the kitchen-tools-we-don't-use-everyday drawer, which, at the end of it all, I was still insanely cold, but the kitchen smelled like brownies and everything was in its proper place and I felt much better about life in general.

So perhaps these brownies were Cold Weather Emergency Brownies after all. 

I'M NOT READY TO NAME THEM OFFICIALLY YET. I'M JUST SAYING.