Adventures in the Dorm Pit Kitchen

I will endeavour for the future NOT to begin my posts thus:

HOLY HELL HI YOU GUYS I MISS YOU

The problem with those beginnings is that what is implied pretty emphatically is

I HAVEN'T WRITTEN TO YOU IN SO LONG IT'S DISGUSTING 

And that is sad. I will endeavour to write more frequently, and even though I KNOW I said this might happen, and even though I KNOW you (hopefully) understand, I still feel guilty.

But beyond the guilt, I gotta say, I love writing this damn thing. So, for the twenty people that are reading it, THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME. Because, truth, it makes me happy.

And considering that for the last two weeks I have felt more fulfilled, energized, gratified, and purely, blissfully ECSTATIC than I have ever felt at work before, that's saying something.

You guys, I FREAKING LOVE TEACHING TEENAGE GIRLS HOW TO WRITE. SO MUCH IT'S ALMOST UNREAL. 

Now to business.

SOME baking has occurred in the last week. There was a birthday for one of the ESL teachers, for which DORM CAKE was made (more soon) and very importantly CUPCAKES were made for my girls for the last day of class. Not just any cupcakes. GLUTEN FREE SPARKLE CUPCAKES.

I just made up that name, but I'm going with it because . . . duh it's awesome. In fact, I might start signing my emails and letters that way.

DORM CAKE
Let me explain dorm cake. Dorm Cake is what you make in boarding school specifically, though sometimes in college, when you are working with the accumulated kitchen equipment of girls who have inhabited your living space before you from about 1800 onwards. The randomness of the pots, pans, and utensils can not be overstated.

Suffice it to say that this version of dorm cake was made without a mixmaster. Or measuring spoons. Or measuring cups. Or a mixing bowl. Or a whisk.

OR, DEAR READER, VERY IMPORTANTLY, A BLOODY CAKE PAN.

It was baked in THIS.

First and foremost, I'm not a massive fan of cooking in someone else's kitchen. I think we've effectively established that I am not a big germ-lover. And that in fact I skew as far from being a germ-lover as it is possible to skew. I once returned from a Halloween party in Brooklyn and gave myself a full body wipe down with lavender-scented antibacterial wipes (10 in total) BEFORE getting in a hot shower. I like cooking in my own kitchen because I and I ALONE control the cleanliness. (Mum, unfortunately, controls the knick knack situation on the counters and that's . . . a discussion for another time. *coughAZALEAcough*) Not only did I not know who had cooked there before, I didn't know ANYTHING about their counter-wiping habits, sponge-changing schedule, or cross-contamination-preventing storage methods. This was potentially a very dangerous situation, and certainly a very uncomfortable one.

HOWEVER. It was Carli's birthday, and what is a Warrior Beetle but someone who rises to a baking occasion? I sucked it up, grabbed the organic cruelty-free cleaner and a roll of paper towels, and headed down to the basement.

And you know what, dear reader?

NOT TO SHABBY, HUH?

The above edition of Dorm Cake was a basic White Cake recipe from Joy of Baking, combined with Beetle's very own no-mixer-required-because-there's-no-way-in-hell-I-can-make-buttercream-without-an-electrically-powered-implement-without-one-arm-turning-all-Incredible-Hulk-Lemon-Curd-Icing.

BEETLE'S VERY OWN NO-MIXER-REQUIRED-BECAUSE-YOU-KNOW-WHY-I-JUST-SAID-IT-LEMON-CURD-ICING

I invented this one when I had extra lemon curd one day from the Lemon Poppyseed Courgette Cake and I a)didn't want to make cream cheese frosting because that just seemed excessive and b)wanted icing that would be thick enough NOT to run directly off the top of the cake to the cake plate below, leaving the top bereft and naked.

Less on-the-plate-spillage, cleverly concealed by a row of blueberries.
What you don't see but just eat can't hurt you. 

It's the basic Confectioner's Sugar Icing, 1 cup of confectioner's sugar to 3 or 4 tbs water, stirring and adjusting as necessary. To this, though, add a few tbs of lemon curd at a time, alternating with more confectioner's sugar, until it's nice and thick. It will still pool around the cake circumference a little bit, but not as much as before. Also, duh, it's the best icing ever because IT'S FULL OF LEMON CURD. And as we know, anything involving Lemon Curd is automatically delicious. Rule of life, you guys. Rule of life.




BEETLE NOTES 
(Dorm Cake version)

Basically you estimate all the ingredients, combine them as best you can with your own arm power and a slotted (why?!?!) spoon, shove them in the thing you find that most closely resembles a baking pan, say a prayer to every God there might or might not be as you put it in the oven, and throw out the cooking time in favour of checking it obsessively every five minutes because a cake pan takes 35 minutes to cook BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES IN A SAUCE POT? A HELL OF A LOT LONGER THAN 35 MINUTES THAT'S HOW LONG.

After almost an hour in the oven. 

Gotta say. Scariest moment of my life thus far: Getting ready to turn the pot over and wondering if it was going to come out, and how exactly I was going to make that happen without destroying the cake, the pan, and my soul. For the record, it came out like a dream, but THE FEAR WAS REAL, YOU GUYS.

Much prayer happens as you slice Dorm Cake in half. You never really know what is going to happen, and there's a distinct possibility that it could explode in your face or suddenly turn into a gremlin and kill you. 

Lemon Curd applied liberally before the two halves are squished back together. 

And thanks to Shannon and her two-for-one-blueberry shopping spree, the cake decos were an obvious choice. 

And the results?

Well. I didn't kill anyone. So. That's something.

In all reality, everyone very nicely said it was delicious, but I did notice second helpings being taken, and that's always a good sign. I brought the leftovers to the security guards on campus (always good to have them on your team) and I've noticed that when I get locked out of my classroom like I did this afternoon, my priority status has risen exponentially.

Beetle for the win.

GLUTEN FREE SPARKLE CUPCAKES
aka 
THE NAME OF A FUTURE CAT OF MINE

These were yet another Dorm Pit Kitchen (just made it up, go with it) project. I may have mentioned above how much I love my girls. And what better way to show them that (in case I don't tell them that every day which I think I do) than make cupcakes for the last day of classes? (Beetle Note: this programme is divided into two two-week sessions. Session one ended on Friday. Session two starts tomorrow. Hence "last day of classes.") Cupcakes = love, dear reader. Basic mathematical equation.

You may be asking yourselves, though, Beetle, why Gluten Free? Did you want to challenge yourself in the Dorm Pit Kitchen? Were you bored? Did the Hannaford's in downtown Troy not have regular flour? The answer to all of these is no. The reason I made gluten free cupcakes, as I'm sure you've guessed, is that one of my girls is gluten intolerant, and as I am responsible for her mental and physical wellbeing, making her violently and publicly ill seemed counterintuitive. 

I am supposed to teach her how to create dramatic tension. I am not supposed to send her into gluten anaphylaxis.

So I'll tell you a secret. You know what I did? Instead of buying xantham gum and psyllium husks (?!) and a)spending a bazillion dollars and b)making cupcakes that tasted totally nasty in all probability and DEFINITELY ones that were inappropriate for teenage girls, I pulled a Hillbilly Beetle and took the lazy way out. 

I used the Joy of Baking Yellow Cupcake and Chocolate Cupcake recipes and just substituted gluten free flour. (I did however omit Vanilla Extract, which (??) has gluten in it. I did do that. And they did not turn out horribly.)

YOU GUYS. I'M SORRY. I'll understand if you never want to read this again. I've failed you. It's just that the concept of trying to find and purchase a million new ingredients and THEN attempt to put them together in something resembling a baked good in the Dorm Pit Kitchen made me all . . . 

I hope you will forgive me. If it makes any difference, I still love YOU. 

The great thing about frosting is that THERE'S NO FLOUR AND THEREFORE NO GLUTEN so I was back on my home turf. Wooo. I made Confectioner's Frosting, since the normal Confectioner's Icing would not even BEGIN to cut it. General rule of thumb and actually rule of entire BODY when you're dealing with frosting and cupcakes is: the thicker the better. In fact, if you can manage to veer into the realm of ridiculously thick, please do so. Cupcakes are MEANT to have enormous amounts of frosting. Otherwise, it's just cake. And that's not as fun.

And do you know WHY frosting is so important? I'll tell you.

SPRINKLES!!!!!!

RAINBOW SPRINKLES! 

PASTEL SPRINKLES! 

PINK AND BLUE GLITTER SPRINKLES! 

SPRINKLES SPRINKLES SPRINKLES!!!!!

This is how I feel about Sprinkles.

Frosting is so important because HOW ELSE ARE THE SPRINKLES SUPPOSED TO STICK TO THE TOPS OF THE CUPCAKES BUT IN A WONDERFUL PILLOWY SQUISHY SWEET AND LIGHT MASS OF FROSTING??

HUH??

EXACTLY.

btw: do you have any idea how fast 14 teenage girls can decimate two batches of cupcakes?
They're like STEALTH NINJA CUPCAKE EATING MACHINES.

So class on Friday afternoon turned out to be a cupcake hot chocolate mocha madness session with poetry, short stories, giggles that became increasingly sugar-fueled aka more high pitched and frequent, and much love and promises to stay in touch. And I only vaguely teared up. Which. Proud.

TODAY, dear reader, I get a new batch of girls. And I am very much afraid that I will love them just as much as my first group. It seems impossible, but I am sure it will be the case. And there will probably be more Gluten Free Sparkle Cupcakes very soon.

So now I must leave you for the time being to get ready for a FIELD TRIP which is something I do now. FIELD TRIPS. With WORKSHEETS. Involving MINIVAN DRIVING. And HEAD COUNTS.

You think Beetle's OCD was bad before? Try giving her 14 girls for whom she is personally responsible. I'm trying to get the go-ahead to tie them together and/or sharpie their name and my phone number on their foreheads. Probably not going to fly, but I'll keep suggesting it.

In the meantime, writing exercises baked into cupcakes will have to do.